Finding a New Self Love and Self Improvement Balance

On October 19, 2017, I hit my second weight loss goal, and my first since the surgery. I finally hit 100 pounds down.

I get on the scale regularly, honestly probably more than I should, and I knew this day was coming sooner rather than later.

I thought of the ways to celebrate hitting 100 pounds off of me forever, and I came up with the idea to take a day off and spend $100 on myself, no guilt allowed. Originally, I was going to get a facial or a massage, because I was afraid I would return whatever I bought.

The day finally came and a few "life happened" moments occurred. First, I couldn't take off the next day (a Friday) or the following day (a Monday) because of a deadline. Suddenly the rest of the week didn't look good, nor did the next two weeks (being a grown up is overrated). Also, in a good way, a friend gifted me a massage the week before, so I got my planned happy treat for free. Earlier in the month, I did spend a frivolous $100 on a TENS machine to help my aches and pains after workouts, and my husband's painful feet.

So back to what happened on October 19. I came home from work and for the heck of it, I stepped on the scale to see this. I was on my way to the gym, so I went there, shared the good news with my friends there, had a killer workout, and took a super cute Instagram picture. It didn't feel right just to go home at that point.

How was I going to express self-love in this process?

Before I tell you the embarrassingly nerdy way I celebrated 100 pounds, I want to touch on the journey I've gotten to for my self care, love, and improvement.

From the start of my medical weight loss journey in January of 2017, I eased into a workout routine. I started with alternating cardio and weight training and fell into doing both cardio AND weights at least twice a week. Part of this was possible because my part time job as a swim coach was ending with the conclusion of the season. This is an important point.

Then came surgery day, and I couldn't wait to get back to the gym. I had more time to work out because I cleared my schedule for healing, and working out was a big part of my emotional and mental well being. I found myself (safely and with the blessing of my medical team) working out regularly. As I went back to work, I struggled at first to find the right levels of energy and the right timing to workout, and I found it. But I let my body decide more than my social schedule or any outside influence.

Now as I approach five months out, I listen to my friends and husband's suggestions but when it doesn't work for me, I tell them, and there's not an issue because I'm being honest and everyone is understanding.

This has made for its fair share of uncomfortable situations. The most recent one is that my husband, on his own bariatric journey, committed to weekly aquarobics classes at the Y. I went with him for the first class, but I realized it was not a very challenging workout for me. I felt bad telling him, but I had to be honest and tell him that on Tuesdays (his chosen day for now), I get a more quality workout at Planet Fitness with my friends than I would at the aquarobics class. I know it was hard for him to hear, but we all only have 24 hours in the day and I need to make them work for me.

I also had to quit my job as a swim coach. This was a hard an unexpected turn of events, but the head coach was making the schedule and was not considering my new needs. We had an established schedule, but then she changed it, and wanted to keep changing it, and I told her this would simply not work for me. More importantly, as the season hit its crazy stride, I knew the schedule would get tougher, so I had to make the tough choice to walk away from my "sanity check" job.

So the theme here is that I had to find time for self love/care and self improvement. I told my husband and my former coach that my old schedule wasn't going to work for me anymore. Additionally, I enjoy journaling my weight training so I can see a clear improvement.

Finding time for self care is a little more difficult. I love to crochet, so it's been easy to find projects and circles of others who enjoy getting together to crochet. Other good hobbies friends of mine enjoy are adult coloring books, bullet journaling, and volunteering at local organizations.


So back to how I celebrated my loss. I left the gym, and decided to go to GNC to buy some good protein.

Yes, how very "bariatric patient" of me.

The week before, we bought my (former) favorite Pure Protein in vanilla from Wal-Mart. I had a scoop and it didn't taste right to me, but they say tastes change over time, so I didn't think much of it. A couple of days later, my husband complained and I thought that this might be a quality issue. But, we bought it, it was a little pricey, so we're stuck.

At some point on the day I discovered the loss, I decided we deserve better even if it means throwing the protein shake away. A recent visit to GNC taught me that they stand behind their products with a 30 day guarantee, so I went there to get us a new flavor that was actually halfway decent. Also, the quality of protein is likely higher.

The bottom line is, that day I realized, we deserve better. We shouldn't have to stomach our way through a protein shake.

So there you have it. The day I lost 100 pounds, I celebrated by working out, and buying protein.

Haters gonna Hate

A common topic of discussion on my various Facebook support groups is when do you tell people you’re having the surgery and how do you deal with the Negative Nancies.

The best place to start is with my story…

I pretend to know a lot about insurance and medical stuff because I read a lot, I watch a lot of Grey’s Anatomy (and ER back in the day), and my mom has done insurance stuff for most of my life. I do honestly know more than most people.

So a few years ago, and I would like to think it was the passage of the Affordable Care Act, I noticed many friends on Facebook were putting up the similar posts:

“Hey everyone, I have decided to undergo weight loss surgery, it was a deeply personal decision and I’m excited about it. Please, no negative thoughts, just positive vibes”

And back in 2013 when these posts started, I couldn’t believe these people didn’t want the negative vibes. If you don’t want negativity, don’t put it on the internet! I was not supportive of weight loss surgery. I thought you could lose it on your own, and keep it off. I’ve only failed because I screwed up. Also, I felt like all weight loss surgery veterans had the same eye-popping look to them.

Flash forward to 2015, after my husband and I went to his first physical in several years. He had just lost about 50 pounds on a crash diet and was honestly feeling pretty good about himself. He got his BP taken and blood drawn, then the doctor comes in and the first thing out of his mouth was “you need weight loss surgery, I’m sending you to a surgeon”. We were disgusted. Could this doctor for one moment focus on the good?

In the summer of 2016, I was training for a long run (another one of my defenses, if I was THAT fat, how was I running?) and I ended up needing Physical Therapy for the whole summer. I ballooned up to my high weight, a familiar number where other fun symptoms reared their ugly heads, and came to my own decision to pursue surgery.

At this point, I told my parents, my husband, and my in-laws. I told myself I wasn’t deciding until I met with the surgeon. Suddenly we’re in January 2017, meeting with the surgeon, and I’m pretty much sold.

What I realized between 2013 and 2017, was that diets largely do not yield long term successes. Surgery is the only thing with a higher success rate, and you can read up on why that is the case. I slowly decided I wanted long term success and this was the only way to see that come to fruition.

Now I’m an extraordinarily confident person. I’m thick skinned to a fault, and I share only that which I’m ready to accept challenging opinions on. So, I’ll post I was getting weight loss surgery, but not who I voted for in the 2016 election. But I still didn’t say anything. My thing was I wanted a date, so that it felt real to me.

I decided to post my news 3 months before my originally scheduled date and the support I got at that first post and every single surgery related one since has since had a positive response. I waited so that I knew as much as I could and I guarded myself with rebuttals to any potential Negative Nancy.

But I didn’t stop there. I posted pictures to Instagram, I friended everyone I could on My Fitness Pal, and I checked into Doctor’s appointments. Any friends who thought I could wake up one day and get this were proven wrong. I would like to think that my openness has awakened my friends to the process so that they understand just how much goes into it. I even made a Google Sheet about my process with all of my appointments to share with anyone who asked (Note: I did this at first for my own organization and share it more for potential patients, not for the haters).

I had one Nancy in my life. We work in the same office, and she saw surgery as an unnecessary risk. I told her that being overweight was a risk. Pre-surgery, I had good luck losing weight, it was more than luck, I worked my butt off. One day, she says “I’m tired of this surgery talk, you’re losing weight fine, cancel the surgery and lets lose weight together” to which I responded, I always get down to a certain number, and I’m not even there yet. Then, I’ll plateau for a while, then gain it back slowly. Let’s even address the fact that she was taking Phentermine, so let’s talk about throwing rocks at glass houses.

Some of the stories I read are heartbreaking. A mom who won’t care for her grandchildren while her daughter goes to an appointment, someone who is afraid their partner will leave them post-op, coworkers set up to sabotage diet efforts, it’s saddening. 

For these deeply personal situations, I don't even know what to say because I was blessed with a lot of support. 

My best advice to those people is to get their knowledge base on, and be prepared for the haters before you tell them. Ultimately, this is your life and your decision, so you need to be comfortable whichever way you go. This surgery will only save your own life. There is no denying the success of weight loss surgery, when the instructions are followed carefully.

How do I do this financially (clothes)

I was at my lovely support group last week when a pre-op patient raised her hand and asked how we are expected to do this without breaking out budget.

A local hospital's website presenting their bariatric center advertises all of the new clothes patients will be able to wear once they start losing weight. My friend was looking into what local hospital would work best for her and this tidbit actually turned her off to that particular program. Her logic was that the focus should really be on the health benefits of weight loss surgery and not the fashionable aspects.

She has a point, and a very good one at that. My program made no mention of the fun, smaller clothes I'll be able to buy.

But, there's about a year and a half of rapid weight loss where I can't wear the clothes I used to wear and I'm constantly in need of buying some clothes.

I'm going to start here: A few years ago, three friends and I went shopping. As usual with people I hang out with, I was the biggest. One of them shot a question point blank to me: "Are you okay with us going into stores where you can't fit?"

The real answer: of course I was. But I also like girl time, which has always been something I don't think I get enough of. And who wants to go shopping with me? Lane Bryant was pretty much the only place I went, until I discovered Kohl's (more on that later).

Tomorrow I'm going shopping with two girls who are just a hair smaller than me and I'm looking forward to it in some ways. At the pace I'm going through clothes however, it would be prudent of me to not max out my credit cards on clothes tomorrow.

Since my surgery just over 4 months ago, I've gone from my pants at 22 and shirts at 3x (and NEVER a button up), to my pants size being 16 and shirts at 1x/18ish/and 2x if it has buttons. I also need new bras. Badly. Every time I turn around, something on my bra isn't fitting right. It's the reality of the situation.

Someone once told me to put the money in the foundation of what you wear. So, I never wear cheap shoes, I spend an embarrasingly high amount on socks, and my underwear and bras I always want to be well-fitting. Because I'm losing weight and inches so quickly, I need to only buy one bra at a time.

But, I'm going to break that rule a little this weekend with the girls. We're going to a local outlet mall, and if the Lane Bryant there is offering the deal I expect, I will probably buy 2 bras in my current size, and 2 a band smaller. Then, Joann Fabrics sells bra extenders that I will take advantage of.

Lets get back to a more generalized topic of "how I don't break my budget". There are a few things I do to save some money:

1) Facebook: There is such a community out there for people going through bariatric surgery! A friend just started a local clothing swap and I haven't done anything for them yet, but I will likely give before I take on that group. There are also a ton of county wide online yard sales that I am a part of and keep an eye on.

2) The kindness of others: I have been super open about what I am going through in my office, and my coworkers are open enough to me to tell me "hey that shirt is too big, put it in your pile for donation". My coworkers are also kind enough to pass me clothing. One lady gave me two pairs of jeans, and another, upon hearing that I had to go to Texas for a funeral loaned me a nice simple black dress. These kind gestures do not go unnoticed.

3) Clearance racks: As my friends tomorrow will realize, I will not spend the expected amount on anything (besides "foundations"). When I go into a store, I get tunnel vision until I get to that clearance rack. If I want a shot to get anything that will work for me though, I need to go a lot.

4) Thrift stores: Again, thrift stores are a place I need to go consistently. I'm pretty good about going every other week, and a local chain offers half price on nearly everything on the last Saturday of the month. Last week was one of those magical Saturdays and I got two light jackets and two pants for $10.

5) Assess what you have: This doesn't really apply to me, in my adult life I've been good about getting rid of whatever I didn't wear that season, but so many people hold their clothes of all sizes with the hope they will fit again. So, before looking for new clothes (and I know that part is fun) go shopping in your own closet!

One last note is that I know it's fun to get rid of piles of clothes, but be sure to hold on to a top and bottom from your biggest size. I can't wait to take pictures in them in the future!